I began listing a few things I miss in my life now. I tried to limit it to 5-8 things. That led to consideration of beautiful times, which led to…
Things I miss
- Leslie.
- Backpacking in the wilderness.
- Being a part of the global underground, especially trance gatherings in the forest.
- Related to the above, DMT, MDMA, LSD/psychedelics, smoking cannabis.
- Smoking cigarettes.
- Of course I miss being strong, quick, pain-free, all that kind of thing.
- I don’t miss work, though if I was younger and stronger I would certainly be deeply invested in working as I once did. I just don’t have much strive left. I feel that I did the best I could – I left it all on the field.
- Gardening.
- Sunday mornings with David, like at the rail yard; having lunch every week with David in California.
- Flying across the mighty Pacific in a 747 on the way to or from another two-month trip to Asia.
Some beautiful times
- Being in the chow hall they had set up for the sole use of Marines returning from Vietnam and I was eating chocolate cake and drinking cold milk (as much as I wanted!) and listening to Groovin’ by Young Rascals on the jukebox. I was alive!
- Getting to the bottom of a >1000 foot glissade down Twins Glacier in the Wind River mountains past the crux of a great trek and it was my 65th birthday!
- Sitting in the kitchen with Jeff in the apartment on Oram (so homey, walls with a little sideways slant, painted yellow), coming on to Orange Sunshine. Truly, truly, everything was perfect.
- Marrying and being married to Leslie.
- Being in Burma, being exactly where Supilawyet sat “By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin’ lazy at the sea…” In Kathmandu, Bangkok, Saigon, Sapa, Hue, Granada, Santa Fe, Mendocino, Berkeley, all those places!
- Being on a 747 coming home after two months in Asia at the perfect intersection of the perfect trip and going home.
- Being married to Jean, living in Berkeley, living in Northern California!
- My work (hospice, refugees, teaching, scholarship, serving, being part of the good).
- Sooo many mornings lying in bed, having coffee together, talking…
Mistakes and regrets
- Being a fuck-up in elementary and high school.
- Smoking cigarettes.
- Saying stupid things (multiple instances).
- Wasted time, especially related to anger.
- Never getting straight with my father – I’m not talking about forgiveness; it’s something else, but I’m not sure what.
Hard times
- The war in Vietnam, especially the Hill Fights
- When Leslie was sick and after she died.
- Much of my childhood and teen years.
Good moves/accomplishments
- Learning to be a good parent – Thanks, Leslie!
- Being (for the most part) a good husband to Leslie and Jean and for the most part, a good Dad to David.
- Becoming a nurse.
- All the scholarship (books, articles, papers).
- Hospice and refugee work, Agape; learning how different people live; being part of so many lives.
- LSD, MDMA, psytrance.
- Starting back to Backpacking in my 60s; dropping back into the global underground also in my 60s.
- Staying true to the vision for the last 60 years of my life.
- Taking good care of my mother and of Leslie at the end of their lives.