Breathe deeply – I am with you

It’s been four years. These words are from that time.

Dying is often not easy. These were hard times for Leslie. She underwent profound changes starting at almost exactly 6pm that last (Thursday) night. She went to surgery about 1:30am Friday morning and she passed away back in her room surrounded by pure love about 4:30am. (I’m actually not clear on times, and maybe even days.) I was with her, embracing her, whispering words of love, of remembrance, people she loved, people who loved her, the Song of Ruth…

How momentous it was that I held you as you passed from this earth, this life. Life! I was beside you, embracing you, caressing you, whispering of love and your beauty. How I trembled, knowing what was to come. And then I was calm, I was sorrowful, I was in love. I was strong. I was pure.

You can relax now
Come on and close your eyes

Breathe deeply

I am with you

Oh my sweet, sweet wife.

At every turn I see how incredibly fortunate, how blessed I’ve been with your presence – your love – in my life all these many years.

And at the end, to hold you and whisper these things!

Yesterday was hard. I ran a lot of errands, including taking the wheelchair back to the medical supply place We were minorly ripped off for $50, but fuck it. I thought of how you became weaker and weaker, going from walking slowly but without assistance to needing a walker to needing a wheelchair… I drove by the house on Robin Road where you grew up, where we first kissed.

I got home around 1pm and thought I would take a nap. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted – I was weary as hell – that I lay down on the floor in the front room (I just couldn’t go any farther) and despite being cold, basically passed out.

You never believed me when so many times I told you how brave you are. You insisted that having fear meant not brave. I would say, “Hey man, I lived with some of the bravest men on earth. Being brave isn’t fearless; it’s going in despite the fear.”

To have known you through so many seasons of your beautiful life – from 16 to 70.

I say to myself, “I’m really alone.” Then David calls and I’m not alone. David: you have done/are doing exactly what you said you would do. Thank you.

 

 

3 Comments

  1. David O

    I feel it and my heart knows your the one
    The guiding light in all your loves shines on
    The only lover worth it all
    Your love is forever.
    George Harrison

  2. Oh, Charles. So poignant and so loving. Having thrown Kamille’s ashes into the bay yesterday with a beautiful ceremony, I can only imagine what you and our dear Ben and Zoom are going through. I’m so glad you and Jean have found each other❤

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