Just not following orders.
“I was just following orders.” It didn’t work for the nazis and in the end it won’t work for Trump’s minions. Here is an account of not following orders that somehow became something bigger than a brief altercation. I don’t think it was an unlawful order or even that big a deal, but when it was over I realized we’d been playing for higher stakes than I thought – my soul. What follows is taken directly from my blog post, Vietnam 66-67, Part 2: Hill 55, Dodge City.
The point is to affirm that decisions and actions can have positive and/or negative consequences.
Standing with Senator Kelly
***
It never occurred to me that I would write this. It was something to keep secret and inside me forever; something to take out now and then, turning it over in my mind like the treasure it is (to me, anyway). I told Jeff a few years ago, but he already knew about it, even though he was not on that patrol.
We were on a long patrol – past even Dodge City. It had been raining for several days or maybe several weeks. I had this raincoat that was far superior to a poncho. I doubt many people ever wore a poncho past their first gunfight with one of those awkward things in the way of everything – I loved my raincoat. We were 3-4 days out, in an area we’d not seen before. We came to a ville (village) and moved around and through it. The plan was to round up everyone in the ville and search the place and people for weapons.
I came to a hooch (hut) with a bunker (all the hooches had bunkers in that neighborhood) and inside the bunker were several women and some children. The interesting thing was that one of the women was wet – even her hair, which told me pretty clearly that she had been doing something in a hurry before we got into the ville, i.e., she was VC. The other woman was holding a baby and the baby was crying, the thin, weak cry of a very sick baby.
I was standing there looking at them and it was like I could see myself as they saw me. I was death – unshaven, dirty death. The only clean thing about me was my machine-gun and
it was immaculate. The gun oiled, every round in the 200-round belt perfectly cleaned, inspected – all truly perfect. I was looking at them and they were looking at me.
I was thinking, screw this. I’m not going to jack with these people. So I just stayed there, watching them. I had decided not to force them out, but not wanting to be killed, would never have taken my eyes off them. So we’re there, they, no doubt wondering what is going to happen and me, just very comfortable with my decision. At some point I tossed a couple of cans of C-ration ham or whatever into the bunker. They probably thought I was tossing grenades – they never touched the cans.
Then trouble. The lieutenant running the patrol came over and the interaction went something like this:
“Get those people out of there.”
“There’s a sick baby in there.”
“I don’t give a shit. Get them out of there.”
“There’s a sick baby in there.”
“I said, get them out, now.”
I was thinking, I guess I’m going to have to kill him, but he read my eyes and saw what I was thinking before I could act and he pointed his rifle in my direction (he always carried an M1 carbine, a silly weapon for which I had only contempt – but, an M1 pointed at someone trumps an M60 in the other direction, if you know what I mean) and there was nothing I could do because my weapon was already pointed pretty much down and to the left. Even though I was a lot better gunfight-wise than this guy, there was just no way I could get to him faster than he could get to me.
“I’m giving you an order, Marine. Get those goddam mother-fucking people out of there right now!”
Then two things happened.
The Big Hair (Harris) was off to the side and he put his weapon on the lieutenant and said something like, “Be careful, lieutenant.” Whew, what a relief. Then, the people in the bunker started coming out! The lieutenant walked off muttering threats. Harris smiled at me. “Yeah, man – fuckin’-A.” When the woman carrying the baby came out in the rain I stopped her and I took off my raincoat and gave it to her. She had no clue what that was about so I had to drape it over her. It was like the coat of a giant to her. Ridiculous.
I remember leaving the ville with all those people standing there in the rain and that sad-sack woman with her sick baby standing there with my raincoat dragging the ground.
Redemption song. Making a choice. I chose Life.